Feb 19, 2006

Sunday. Went for breakfast or brunch with my parents. The chicken rice was really too disappointing for words. Went and shop around the area. Bought a pair of shorts and track pants. Collected my handphone. Went back home to watch my Korean show from 2pm to 4pm. Then after that, eyebrow trimming and then we headed down to West Mall for a walk. Cousin came and fetch at 630pm. And we went to Bukit Timah there to have fish head curry.

I asked to hold Joshua little hands and he did. My tears just fell and i can't stop sobbing. And of course Joshua was a bit uncomfortable. But i guess he knows that it is because of Raphael. I can just close my eyes and imagine that it was Raphael's hands in mine. Cousin consoled me. The thought pains me so much that Raphael was so influenced by negative things about me that he shun my hands and my mother's hands. Touching him.... Just looking at Joshua reminds me so much of my little Raphael. So young and innocent. A white piece of canvas being painted day by day by uncouth methods, hatred, negative feelings in him. All i want is Raphael to be happy. And it hurts me deep in my heart that my hands are binded and i can't do anything to help my baby.

Had dinner and Imran came and fetched me back to Seng Kang. Played one round of mah jong and lost $25. Guess it must be the negativity.... that didn't bring luck. My mind was not there.... somewhere with my baby all the way...... Finished at 12 plus. Went back and dear was there.... cuddle up to each other. Assuring me that things will turn out well... cos he can see that i miss Raphael like crazy.