May 7, 2006

Woke up at 11 plus. Edward came up and loan the bell air product to me to have a try. The whole house smell of it. BB stayed in too. Studied for a while. And then i took a cab down to Kovan to meet up with G.

She said that i looked shocked in seeing her.... ha ha. I don't know... once i saw her in the car.. i feel like running away... I don't think i can handle it. But since i have agreed to meet up... then... i walked slowly over..composing myself and at last open the door handle and got in with a beaming smile... the car still smell the same... memories flooded back... i can still see Raphael inbetween the two of us.... 2 years ago..... the loving memories

Went to Serangoon Gardens Coffee Bean. Had cheese cake and ice blended chocolate. Talked about raphael... our past... her past relationship with her... jerome.... his gf..... sharon .....my guy... my life... my choices in life and her viewpoint now. She said that i am still not sure of what i want. Do i want to get married or not? If not, then might as well go all the way .... if yes... stay with him...

Her sentences were meaningful... saying that jerome doesn't have the courage to go against me before the girl came along... maybe the girl gave him the courage.... ya... thinking of it. Without the girl... he kept on running to me for help ... and problems that he faced.. with the girl... he dared not even appear to be in good terms with me. Maybe just maybe the girl is the one... who is the cause of all these unhappiness... as some of my cell group members said that the girl is trouble and has warned him that she is no good for him..... sigh.....

Sitting there in her presence for 2 hours.... i still feel at ease.... i still love her. Her complexion... is yellowish... she has slimmed down so much. My heart aches...

BB kept on messaging during the whole 2 hours.. and i get a bit frustrated and irritated. 2 years meeting once... give me a break. Even dear also know how to stay clear.... G also asked me who kept on messaging me.... i told her... and she just shook her head... and said wrong way.... wrong way..... i just gave her a sad smile.... she... she.. is the only person.... who knew how to handle me well.....and understand me. Gosh... how much i miss her.... and the times we had together.

She sent me down to Dhobby Ghaut. I watched her drove off all the way till i lost sight of her.... my tears fell.... but yet i dried them again. Meeting BB later... went shopping for a while. Bought a pair of pants... Had dinner with BB. Dear called... and my tears fell in front of BB. I tried so hard to hold it back in front of her cos she can and will never understand. She didn't. And i was abrupt and rude towards her... my tone, my words.... as she used all the wrong methods..... she can't handle me.... sigh.

Reached home... watched telly for a while with dear. I just got up and dear came towards me and hug me tight.... really tight.. and that is when all my tears flow...i just sob ... all the way. He just soother me.. with no questions asked. Didn't ask ... didn't talk... just offering his shoulders. I guess actions speak louder than words....

Sometimes.. i wonder... if she ever open her arms again... would i ever run back?

There is no what if... there is no sometimes.... there is no more ever .... i guess this is the million dollar question that dear would love to know the answer to.....

Cried myself to sleep.... sobbing... dear just try to soother away the raw pain that i still feel by giving me a massage... why do i still feel the pain as if it just happens yesterday... he said that it is because i still love her and can't forget her. And he asked if i would be happier if i go back to her?

If i could go back.. i would not wait till 2 years later then go back... that was my answer to him.
I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and with him massaging me..... knowing that he feel helpless in this kind of situation. I can't offer him words of consolation as i can't even handle my emotions.