May 9, 2006

Went to work in the morning for centralised marking. Damn.. forgot that i needed to go court. The secretary called to say see me later.. and i was blurred... kaoz and Gerrallyn also looked surprised to see me.... sigh.. i really forgot that i needed to go court.

Dear came down to 'have lunch' with me. The timing was wrong.. he was late... it didn't start with a good note.. and of course.. it doesn't end with a good note too. He was so frustrated and his tone was bad... well... G can tell him that it is the wrong way too... He felt that me and BB has something going on... undertable agreement or something like that.... and he is really really very uncomfortable. He feels that he his ego.. pride is at stake... and i no longer gives him the respect.. or needs him.... Now he no longer ask for sexual commitment.. he gives up on that already ... he wants emotional commitment from me. And he wants me to stop seeing BB, going out with her unneccessary... although most of the time i was with her.. he was working... so FINE... i will look for others to go out with instead of BB all the time.. since she is living in.. and that makes going back easier...

Is it worth it for another to come into our relationship and creates this kind of tension between us? Is it worth it to see us going through this kind of frustrations and pain? Do i care for his feelings? These are the questions that he asked.... Sigh....

I guess this was how that idiot felt the last time round.... ha ha.. which he didn't voice out... whereas dear is voicing out.... Maybe i really made that idiot feels like a lousy loser... and he is anyway..... but dear is not... he is more capable than that idiot anyway... so no reason for him to feel that way either...

The lunch date became a arguement... oh no... it became a one sided conversation from him to me. And i just listen... cos i have no answer... no comments... but i know what he wants... can i do it? Do i have to do it? And be sulky at home.... if i do what he wants... i will show a black face at home so what's the point.... at least he will be happy??? maybe. But i doubt he wants to see a sulky face at home also... Let me be...also cannot.. cos he is unhappy... sigh.... give and take??? I give he take.... which i am not happy.... he give i take... he is not happy..... what is the best solution?

I felt like being in a marriage... which i cannot be submissive... ah.... now my thoughts are coming. Why can't i be submissive... it means that he is lacking in some areas.... why should i be submissive? If he is lacking in some areas... how come i don't feel this way last time? Cos there are no better people around to compare with? Then who are the better people around this time? Am i only looking at the surface only?

I want the world.... but who can give me the world... but God.....
Why am i always uncontented with what i have?
Can he give me what i want in life? Will i be happy with him?
If yes.. then why am i so worried that he wants to get married....
I do not want the marriage kind of commitment.... phobia of marriage already
Once with an idiotic loser.. is enough to scare me off the rest of the guys incase they turn out to be monsters after marriage.... just like the idiotic loser

Sigh... questions.... the goals that i planned for myself will still go ahead regardless of whether i have partner or not.... so i guess i have to ust focus back on my goals... and be thankful for any partners that come passing by and stay for a while... if not for life.....