May 23, 2006

Exams finished at last. Dear surprised me with a bouquet of flowers put at the sink when i got back home after exams. I didn't expect it. I told him that i would rather prefer the cash.. and he pretended to snore again.. ha ha. But nevertheless, it was sweet and thoughtful of him.

As usual, the loser read my blog again and sent me an sms on the renovation loan with all capital letters just to affect me... but it was so hilarious.. his actions are too blatant... so stupid and childish. A 31 year old behaving like that is pathetic.

Rick left before the time ends... sigh... i can't believe that i was so 'sway' 2 days of exams same day with her.. and today... sway till can't take it.. she sat beside me. The bloody examination hall is so damn big.. she got to sit beside me..kaoz... how unlucky can i get....

Drama Drama

Went to SIM to study as usual.

Sigh she gave me drama drama. One hour plus of drama... to me it is like never ending drama. This is my exam period and she took up my studying time to drama. I was feeling so frustrated. I felt so trapped.... and this kind of feelings... is such a turn off. I can't handle it.

In the end, it spoilt my mood for studying... i gave up and went back earlier. Went to Hougang to have Hans for dinner and shopped around for a while to destress.

What is love? I do not know how to define love... but i do know what is not love. What she did today was not love.... drama during my exams... not love.... come down and look for me is not love.. it is miss......loving is not this way... it is definitely not my way. Messaging me in the middle of the whole night at 3am is not love, when knowing that i am having my exams the next day. That is NOT love. That is selfishness. And frankly speaking... besides saying i love you... i feel no love. I feel that she wants to possess me. She does not love me. She is just so lonely and looking for companion in exchange for a bit of love in her way. Sigh.... Does she bother what is going on in my life? No. She does not. She only bothers about her own feelings and whether if i can go out with her when she wants to... and the rest of the stuffs.... no. Not even my divorce..... not even my son.... nope... she didn't ask anything... she doesn't know a single stuff.... she doesn't bother...

Am i hurting her? I feel that i am not. Those are the facts. When a person can't face up to the facts.....and can't handle the facts... what to do? Deceive her all the way....? No i do not do that. I will not do that. I will say the facts... if people can't handle the facts... then they should rethink their decision and decide on what to do......

I hate drama. I am turn off by drama with no objectives.

Hougang Mall buys

Retail Theraphy

After my studies.. went down to orchard CK Tang... tried out the various brands of mascara.. only chanel carried what i want.... lengthening, volume, fibrewig and waterproof. Wow... but the effects can only be seen after more than three coating whereas YSL you can see the volume immediately. So how? Confused as usual. Bought a lycra pants... oh so ex..but i love it. Makes me feel good. Went back to my favourite shop for heels .. and bought 2. I have to really slash the prices before i feel that i got a good deal...... Had dinner at Mos burger then took train home. Reached home and slept. Too tired.

He came back rather late. He asked me this.... Would you ever leave me for a girl if the right one ever comes along? Surprisingly that he will be so direct.... and it is a girl that he is referring to...and not guys. He said that he no longer feel the threat with men.... it is the woman that he is more afraid of as she is capable of making me leave him for her. He also said that if a another woman come along into his life who is capable of making him leave me for her..... he said he won't. Cos she is only the 1% that i do not have. I am the 99%. The 1% is the part that is lacking and makes people unfaithful. Hmmm... a thought worth thinking. But in his heart, he knows that there is always this possibility of me leaving him.... for another.... girl..... sigh....

Another studying day

Went to SIM to study. BB still don't feel good. And all PP can do is to say sorry. I mean... the gf should say sorry... and not PP loh. See no reason why should PP put the blame on herself. Cried buckets today. PP words hurt so much... i can't stand it. Why doesn't she think rationally? It is the upbringing of the gf that makes her expect BB to pay.. and pushed the bill to BB.. even though BB said no.. i did not order the drinks and i do not want to drink anymore. And the gf julie even got the cheek to distribute the drinks all around and pushed the bill to BB. I got even more frustrated and hurt to know that PP sided her gf behaviour and even blamed herself for it. What does the gf julie treat BB as? Sucker? Or singapore context of a ROBERT????? And PP knows that BB will accept her apology even though BB still don't feel good about it. Cos she value PP friendship... but does PP value BB??? And let her gf walk all over BB, giving her no respect, and make as if BB owes her like that?? It is time PP's gf learn how to conduct herself in public and give the right kind of respect to others and don't treat everyone around her like ROBERT. But still... i must say that BB is still at fault to allow herself to be in that kind of situation and she CAN do something about it... as in not paying... or walking away. She chose to pay up first... pressure??? pride??? sigh.... Forget it. Next time i won't bother anymore... i don't care and i won't bother... and i won't be so righteous to stand up for BB anymore ... cos nobody appreciates it. Not even BB. And i got hurt by PP words... and BB nonchalent about PP words to me.

I learnt something from this incident. Never bother... don't bother... don't care... not my problem. Even when one of them is being treated like a fool... i will just keep quiet... cos they put themselves in that kind of situation...

Like what dear said.... how many person can I stand up for? How many persons will appreciate what i do? And how many times will i get affected by all these problems not related to me?

A Day of Rest

On Mc today. My nose gave me problems as usual.

Cant sleep at night. Becos of the 2 woman. She had a terrible trip... i felt hurt and sad that things didn't turn out the way she wants it to be. And i got affected. BB got taken advantage of by PP's girlfriend friends .... and got treated like Robert in front of PP. And PP was too drunk to even notice what her gf is doing loh.... That Julie is one of a kind... How can she make BB pay for all the shots that she ordered for her friends... so rude.. just give BB the bill... Kaoz... i guess it is the upbringing. She being a bar-girl... afterall....

Exams!

Today is the day of my first paper. And of course, at 1am in the morning i had a 'well wisher' to give me an sms. Who else could it be except that idiotic loser? Should sue him for harrassment during unearthly hours of the day and moreover on the first day of my exam.

The lecturer give us stunt for the paper... lost... sigh.. as usual... as rick would say. Ha ha.

Farewell Party for Eve and Oliver

Studied for the whole day. Went to boat quay with his family to celebrate mother's day. Had hot stones. Then headed to hillside condo for farewell party. Lots of relatives are there. Elders got drunk... kids got wild. It was a good gathering session.

May 9, 2006

Went to work in the morning for centralised marking. Damn.. forgot that i needed to go court. The secretary called to say see me later.. and i was blurred... kaoz and Gerrallyn also looked surprised to see me.... sigh.. i really forgot that i needed to go court.

Dear came down to 'have lunch' with me. The timing was wrong.. he was late... it didn't start with a good note.. and of course.. it doesn't end with a good note too. He was so frustrated and his tone was bad... well... G can tell him that it is the wrong way too... He felt that me and BB has something going on... undertable agreement or something like that.... and he is really really very uncomfortable. He feels that he his ego.. pride is at stake... and i no longer gives him the respect.. or needs him.... Now he no longer ask for sexual commitment.. he gives up on that already ... he wants emotional commitment from me. And he wants me to stop seeing BB, going out with her unneccessary... although most of the time i was with her.. he was working... so FINE... i will look for others to go out with instead of BB all the time.. since she is living in.. and that makes going back easier...

Is it worth it for another to come into our relationship and creates this kind of tension between us? Is it worth it to see us going through this kind of frustrations and pain? Do i care for his feelings? These are the questions that he asked.... Sigh....

I guess this was how that idiot felt the last time round.... ha ha.. which he didn't voice out... whereas dear is voicing out.... Maybe i really made that idiot feels like a lousy loser... and he is anyway..... but dear is not... he is more capable than that idiot anyway... so no reason for him to feel that way either...

The lunch date became a arguement... oh no... it became a one sided conversation from him to me. And i just listen... cos i have no answer... no comments... but i know what he wants... can i do it? Do i have to do it? And be sulky at home.... if i do what he wants... i will show a black face at home so what's the point.... at least he will be happy??? maybe. But i doubt he wants to see a sulky face at home also... Let me be...also cannot.. cos he is unhappy... sigh.... give and take??? I give he take.... which i am not happy.... he give i take... he is not happy..... what is the best solution?

I felt like being in a marriage... which i cannot be submissive... ah.... now my thoughts are coming. Why can't i be submissive... it means that he is lacking in some areas.... why should i be submissive? If he is lacking in some areas... how come i don't feel this way last time? Cos there are no better people around to compare with? Then who are the better people around this time? Am i only looking at the surface only?

I want the world.... but who can give me the world... but God.....
Why am i always uncontented with what i have?
Can he give me what i want in life? Will i be happy with him?
If yes.. then why am i so worried that he wants to get married....
I do not want the marriage kind of commitment.... phobia of marriage already
Once with an idiotic loser.. is enough to scare me off the rest of the guys incase they turn out to be monsters after marriage.... just like the idiotic loser

Sigh... questions.... the goals that i planned for myself will still go ahead regardless of whether i have partner or not.... so i guess i have to ust focus back on my goals... and be thankful for any partners that come passing by and stay for a while... if not for life.....

May 8, 2006

Work as usual. Had dinner at Rivervale Mall before going back home. Studied. Dear came back and he was unhappy with the way me and BB sits. Which i don't feel that there is anything wrong. Chatted with her on her ex and try to reason with her why she behaves that way.... different school of thoughts... sigh......Anyway... i studied till abit late. And he said he was busy ... as usual. So I went to bed first.... he fell asleep in Frank's room as usual again... not surprising....

May 7, 2006

Woke up at 11 plus. Edward came up and loan the bell air product to me to have a try. The whole house smell of it. BB stayed in too. Studied for a while. And then i took a cab down to Kovan to meet up with G.

She said that i looked shocked in seeing her.... ha ha. I don't know... once i saw her in the car.. i feel like running away... I don't think i can handle it. But since i have agreed to meet up... then... i walked slowly over..composing myself and at last open the door handle and got in with a beaming smile... the car still smell the same... memories flooded back... i can still see Raphael inbetween the two of us.... 2 years ago..... the loving memories

Went to Serangoon Gardens Coffee Bean. Had cheese cake and ice blended chocolate. Talked about raphael... our past... her past relationship with her... jerome.... his gf..... sharon .....my guy... my life... my choices in life and her viewpoint now. She said that i am still not sure of what i want. Do i want to get married or not? If not, then might as well go all the way .... if yes... stay with him...

Her sentences were meaningful... saying that jerome doesn't have the courage to go against me before the girl came along... maybe the girl gave him the courage.... ya... thinking of it. Without the girl... he kept on running to me for help ... and problems that he faced.. with the girl... he dared not even appear to be in good terms with me. Maybe just maybe the girl is the one... who is the cause of all these unhappiness... as some of my cell group members said that the girl is trouble and has warned him that she is no good for him..... sigh.....

Sitting there in her presence for 2 hours.... i still feel at ease.... i still love her. Her complexion... is yellowish... she has slimmed down so much. My heart aches...

BB kept on messaging during the whole 2 hours.. and i get a bit frustrated and irritated. 2 years meeting once... give me a break. Even dear also know how to stay clear.... G also asked me who kept on messaging me.... i told her... and she just shook her head... and said wrong way.... wrong way..... i just gave her a sad smile.... she... she.. is the only person.... who knew how to handle me well.....and understand me. Gosh... how much i miss her.... and the times we had together.

She sent me down to Dhobby Ghaut. I watched her drove off all the way till i lost sight of her.... my tears fell.... but yet i dried them again. Meeting BB later... went shopping for a while. Bought a pair of pants... Had dinner with BB. Dear called... and my tears fell in front of BB. I tried so hard to hold it back in front of her cos she can and will never understand. She didn't. And i was abrupt and rude towards her... my tone, my words.... as she used all the wrong methods..... she can't handle me.... sigh.

Reached home... watched telly for a while with dear. I just got up and dear came towards me and hug me tight.... really tight.. and that is when all my tears flow...i just sob ... all the way. He just soother me.. with no questions asked. Didn't ask ... didn't talk... just offering his shoulders. I guess actions speak louder than words....

Sometimes.. i wonder... if she ever open her arms again... would i ever run back?

There is no what if... there is no sometimes.... there is no more ever .... i guess this is the million dollar question that dear would love to know the answer to.....

Cried myself to sleep.... sobbing... dear just try to soother away the raw pain that i still feel by giving me a massage... why do i still feel the pain as if it just happens yesterday... he said that it is because i still love her and can't forget her. And he asked if i would be happier if i go back to her?

If i could go back.. i would not wait till 2 years later then go back... that was my answer to him.
I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and with him massaging me..... knowing that he feel helpless in this kind of situation. I can't offer him words of consolation as i can't even handle my emotions.

May 6, 2006

Saturday. A day which there is no CDAC. Woke up late. Met up with Rick at King Albert Park Mac to study our 337. Supposedly to go down to Cantoment with Calen but it is only open during office hours. So i can't help her already... Took a cab down to Geylang Lorong 40 for BBQ. Monica's house. Rained halfway... sigh... Took quite a number of pictures. Then supposedly to go out after that, but i was really tired so i went back first.. while BB and them go to MOS. Didn't know what time she came back also. Was already sleeping like a pig in the air con room.. he he.

Some unglam shots

3 Babes together!

Friends having a Great Time

Who is doing the Work???

May 5, 2006

Friday Morning session. Shared cab. Met them downstairs. Dear didn't sleep the whole night again. After school, headed down to compass point to settle some bank stuffs again. And then had lunch at the food court and then headed home with BB. Dear was still sleeping... I went to take a nap too. Dear woke me up at 530pm saying that i need to get ready for my SIM. He went out a while later. BB went out with me. She was supposedly to meet her friends at 730pm for dinner.. but she changed her mind. And she bought dinner for me during my SIM break time. Then she waited for me to go back together. Jason send me down to tutor's place to get the answer keys.. after that, BB and I took cab home together. Dear was already at home. He was quiet and reserve these few days.. i wonder why....

May 4, 2006

The oysters that BB bought from Cafe Cartel

Dumplings soup from Shanghai

BB bought the body lotion for me

A tiring day for me at work. Went to the OCBC bank to check out some amount with dear.. bad day. Bad mood. Was so frustrated with BB words that i block her from MSN the whole afternoon. And didn't reply her messages... i made a few mistakes in life... especially in trusting that idiot. So no need to rub it in as i am paying for my mistakes now.. sigh... Went back home straight away after work. She came back with oysters... requested from me. And a gift to say sorry.... actually nothing to be sorry about... just stay away when my mood is bad and don't say the wrong things at the wrong time... Dear realised this.... after he came home for a while after booking.. he went out with BK for coffee.... he really stayed cleared... really smart... till i fell asleep before he came back. Guess that shows how well he knows how to handle me. Sigh... poor BB .... suffer the outburst... just by being around....

Thoughts

Had a small pillow talk with him last night. I was telling him about my day and what I did and who I was with. He was calm... he actually didn't ask what did i do during the time he was working. But i volunteered to talk about it.. surprising. If he asked.. i find him restrictive.. when he didn't ask... i feel that he didn't care... confusing thoughts of a woman. So which one is better? I guess the part that he didn't ask would be better. At least, i don't find the questioning repulsive and tends to be repulsive towards the person asking the question.

We chatted about the lifestyle that they have. And about fine dining. Let's see... the last time we both had real fine dining was at clarke quay where we went to one of the party nights and was late for BB photoshoot... it was really quite a long time ago.. last year.... Sigh....

He knows that i will never be contented with him.. cos i want more in life which he cannot provides... but yet i also know that he is capable of finding a better girl than me who came with a past and problems that made me the way i am today... cynical and pessimistic. Then what are we still being together? Does love makes it so blind that although we know what each other wants but yet neither can live up to that standard but still be there for each other? Is it love or is a matter of getting too used to each other? I really wonder....

Read this in Wei's blog:

a good lover might not be a good partner, becos they are fun loving, cheeky n flirty, and such people tends to love their space and fun with people and will not like to be controlled and most times they are also very attractive to others, and might cause insecurity and trust issues... but they are fun n happy to be with, becos of their flamboyant character...

on contrary, a good partner might not be a good lover, becos they take good care of u, they make sure everything is well taken care of, their world probably only surrounds u and they can be very faithful and true but yet becos they are so stable, they tend to be termed as boring to be with... becos of their humble character.

So... ultimately... is wat u want in yr Life... fun or stability.

Like I told another fren of mine, U want a husband material guy as yr bf or some1 that u can feel romantic and fun to be with?

I do not believe theres is a perfect partner out there, it is all got to do with wat u want in yr Life and the matter of compromising to each other.

I agree with what she said. It is a matter of what i want.... why can't i find a partner who is of both... is it so difficult? Is it impossible?
There is no perfect partner.... so why are we settling for second best all the time....

My colleagues would rather i chose someone who has the opposite of what they have .... as they have already chosen their life partners whom they love but yet cannot provide them with what they would love to have. It seems that they can relish their own dreams in my life if i chose the opposite of theirs..... and prove to them that i can be happy....

Is life all about proving to people around me... or it is just my happiness that counts?
I have always thought i knew what i want... but now.... as what dear had said earlier....
paris or batam... which one will i choose?

The one who earn millions and spend a thousand on you
or
The one who earn 2 thousand and spend a thousand on you

Which one will you choose?

single life would be the best when you are young... but when age is catching up.... a lifetime of decisions you have to make.... time is running out.... so what is my choice... single or married?

Anyway... what is love? If you can see yourself caring for the other person if they are paralysed or bed ridden for the rest of your life... that is love? Obligation? sigh.... no idea... wait till the time comes.. and you will know what is love. Will it be too late then? To lost the person.. then realised that you can't live without the person... and to know that that is love...... just like G. Do i need to go through a few times before i learnt my lesson.... Questions that i have no answer to.

The only thing i know is that i am happy for now.... fine dining or not...
I still love him, her, them, I, you, family and friends around me.

May 3, 2006

At Esmirada

Had a long day at work. After that, took a cab down to Chijmes to have dinner with BB. PP joined us there. Had a drink. After that, Went to Esmirada to have dessert. Huh.. BB told me something about fine dinning... hmmm... to me... it really cost too much to pay for a tiramisa...but is superbly fabulous... and the dinner... 2 dishes cost... more than 60 dollars... goodness me. Kaoz... Fine dinning is really too expensive for me. BB kept on saying that i am naggy over the pricing... yah.. of course i am... so expensive... to eat at restaurant.... Her reason seems that Christina also cannot eat at hawker centre.. ha ha... but she did loh.. newton hawker centre.. ha ha....Anyway, call for cab and went back.... watch my show. Dear came back after work.... he looks tired... but he is still busy with his scouts stuff... when will he have time for me.....

May 2, 2006

Tuesday.. on course... after work went home straight.. don't feel like having dinner... so just laze around and finish up my assignment. Supposedly to hand in today... but sigh. cannot finish so no choice....

May 1, 2006

Mother came up early in the morning. And i realised that I lost my LV bag at home. Went to Novena with BB to meet up with Calen to do up my website. After that, met up with Christina and gf, von and nadia at an Indonesian restaurant at Lucky Plaza. Took a walk... at taka... then headed down to Jes house to do my mani and pedi cure.... house call... cheap and good. I just like Jes way of doing it.... comfortable and clean. After that, went home and watch show... retire early.y