A Tribute to Dr Toh

Was shocked to see this outside his clinic. I was speechless. I made a trip down to Singapore Casket after getting a bouquet of orchids. Made a little prayer beside his coffin.... tears welled up. He will be fondly remembered for his sensitivity, his gentleness, his thoughtfulness, his patience.

Got trapped alone inside the lift at the Singapore Casket for around 10 minutes. Messaged him to tell him about it. But as usual, no reply.

Clearance

Today, i cleared my whole table at my work place. Cleared all his pictures. Cleared all his love notes that i have collected that i had put away at my work place. My colleagues said that i should have done it long time ago. I said yes.. i should have. But i know that when this is the time i must clear and i should clear. My parents tell me that it is time i clear the barang barang papa chair. They have been nagging at me non stop... maybe one day ... maybe ... when i stop seeing him sleeping on that chair... and i stop smiling to myself over his position and his way of sleeping. I will.

Sept 22, 2006

Before court.. i cried for him. For the times he was waiting outside court, for the times he was there for me, for the times he went to court with me. Today... Nothing. Usually he will call before and after court to be sure that he is there for me. Even a phone call would be enough. But yet today, I stood outside the court... waited a while. And I started to walk away alone. I must get used to the fact that I will be facing my past alone now. No more him as my pillar of support anymore. Stood in front of Furama Hotel.. memories replaying once again of the time he lied. He said he needed to go back to school to do his work. Too much assignments. But yet... he met up with her and had a romp with her at his hostel room. Sigh... I just shook my head and smiled at my own stupidity. I made the choice to leave him ... so i must never look back. It was a good 3 years. Ignorance is bliss with him.

Puzzled on Sep 21, 2006

Why would a guy choose to start a new relationship with a lie?He did that once with me. Now he did it again with another.Hmmm. Isn't it tiring starting a relationship with building trust?Doesn't a relationship starts with full trust first? S

o i guess somepeople just likes to view as a challenge and once they got the trustthey just let go... and the cycle repeats again. Hmmm... A thought worth pondering.

But i guess it is his own choice. Wish him happiness then. I am going to look for my own happiness once again. To start afreshwith full trust and full love.

I am going to love like i have never been hurt before....

Sep 21, 2006 Words of Wisdom

closure is when important dates went by and you no longer feel anything that the person
who used to share those dates with you are no longer there is no longer there like
birthday
christmas
new year
our anniversary

That's a good thing.... cos i can never remember our anniversary date.

For 3 years, he is always the one who remembers and counts the days.. the months. Not me. It is always him reminding me.

Does it show something... i think so. It shows how much i value him.... i guess..... ok ok.... am i just trying to make myself feel better? or trying to rationalise it out myself? or trying to talk myself out as if i have never felt anything for him for these 3 years.. or just trying to reassure myself that i don't love him.. finding excuses.. maybe.

But i must admit that it is pure blindness and stupidity at times to keep on forgiving and he kept on pushing his limits... unconditional love?

ha ha... how unconditional is unconditional when the heart hurts so much with each lie.. that i would rather feel the physical pain than emotional pain.

Anyway, gotten over liao.. just want to be a bit whiny for a while more.

I better spend my time in loving someone else who has never hurt me before with lies....

Sep 21, 2006 Work

Spoke to Marie today. Kena screwed by her also. She said that i should have expected it when you accepted him back again and again. How about the times when he didn't get caught? How can you be sure? He has been like that ever since you know him. He can do it to Shirley .. of course he can do that to you.... YOu wait and see.. he will do it to this girl also... she is just a substitute.. that's what she said...

Sigh.. i know that rings truth in her words but i hope not. I do not want another girl to be another victim of lies. It is difficult to keep him satisfied in all areas also... But i no longer cares... Cos i know... just because i know it is not my lost... the only area that i am at fault is that i don't give him stability and security. These 2 things will come in time... when one has proven that he is worthy of my trust, worthy of my entrusting my heart and life to him....worthy of my love.

Sigh.. message him about the beads money ... his message was to ask me to check my bank account as he has done the transfer yesterday night. Hostile. Now is his turn to be hostile... hmm.. why? Does he have the right to? I guess not. Cos he is the one at fault now with his lies and 'open relationship' with 2 person while telling her that it is actually over and on the other hand, tell me that he is not with anybody at all.

I re-read my previous diary. It stated clearly that he was asking for time off for 6 months to concentrate on his career... Yes which he obviously did with extras curriculum activities with her every day.

The hurt is gone. I no longer hurt anymore cos i see his lies more clearly. The 3 years that we had was not a relationship. It was only a matter of convenience. It was only a habit. He lived in for 3 years ... both of us making use of each other in certain ways. It was just a habit that i can't get used to having him not being around at home anymore.

That's it....I can't stand the time off thingy... he said the same thing and he did me wrong

Sep 21, 2006

Good things

He:
clears the rubbish
washes the clothes
folds the clothes
cooks for me
always home before me
brings water to me
washes the dishes
massages me
clears the tissues
buy me flowers
surprises me now and thenk
eeps me satisfied sexually
checks my work
goes holidays with me
packs my luggage
unpacks all my luggages
carries all my luggages
irons
clears my thoughts
does what i tell him to
cleans up the house



Bad things

He:
lies with his eyes wide open
lies with perfect and well plan storylines
was unfaithful
tries his luck with other girls through sms when i am not around
gives perfect excuses when he don't picks up the phone
has no time for me

Ok ok... enough already. I can't think of any already... i looked through my whole blog once through again. And i feel the hurt all over again. NO matter how good he was to me... the pain was still intense.

Let me show you one example:

His Handphone Messages on Aug 29, 2005

Happened to play with his phone and try to figure out how to use his phones. And guess what i found.

have i mentioned my birthdate to you before? actually i'm having dinner with my mom cos that as for your treat no need la. or how about your cooking perhaps? *evil grin*

My thoughts: Harmless Flirting? Evil grin? What is that... with ill intentions? or just wanna go up to the house on a pretext of having dinner.

when did i tell you? no lah i never say u evil. i'm referring to myself cos i wanted to put u in a spot by asking you to cook :)

My thoughts: Confirm flirting ... who in the right mind would ask a woman to cook for him?

Yup. now on my back to my rented place. can't go anywhere tonight cos broke so prob go back and do what you are doing :) enjoy your time with your sons

My thoughts: Rented? So when is my place his rented place? So if he has the money.. he will go. And DO WHAT YOU ARE DOING???? So what is she doing that he wanted to do? masturbating?

Ok. u come to my place with beer now i sayang you long long :)

My thoughts: Sayang?? That is indecent proposal!!!!

Wow. bring liquor loh. me no scared. yes i challenging u. anyway i have liquor here too. u can juz come over if you wan. my landlady wun be back tonight

My thoughts: Landlady.. so now i am the landlady.... since i am the landlady. He owes me $3360 from Jan onwards for his rent.... what else.. He has better move out .. since i am the landlady, he has not pay rent since Jan, so i am liable to throw him out of the house now.

She at her mom's place

What u mean? she always stay at her mom place on sat one lah

My thoughts: My house is a whore house is it? So how to trust? Maybe he has been bringing girls back every sat night when i was not aroung. No wonder he always ask if i am going back to seng kang on sat. Scared that i will go back and check??

Drink lor. u wanna come over?we can meet at compasspoint first if u r keen. She cfm wun be back one.

My thoughts: Yes. I confirm won't be home cos he message a few times and called to confirm with me. That is why he is so sure of it.

we meet at compasspoint? go buy tog lor. i got liquor. no worries.what time r we meeting?

My thoughts:
Come on. He has asked 4 times in regard to asking her to come over... that is a calculated move.
Confronted him. He kept on giving excuses. And say that it is harmless flirting. Anybody who read these will definitely know that there is intentions there. Anyway, he said that he got proved that he didn't meet up with her at all.. cos he was out with BK at night. I called BK, he said he fetched him after midnight and went back around 5am. This he never tell me... expecially when i messaged him all through the night. He told me that he slept at 12 plus.. woke up at 4 plus and toss around in bed till it was time to go for the event... what a big fat lie... if he can lie to me about BK .. what more could he lie about... anyway,his dinner with his mother ends at around 8 plus... so from 9 to 12 plus.. what was he doing?

Nobody can vouch for that. I give up. I didn't talked to him at all. Asked him to get out of my house but he remained. My heart has died. It is the same as Shae when she wanted to patch up. Although i loved her, but my heart has died. No longer want to go through the break and patch phrase again.

Too late. The heart is hardened. No longer want to go through the phrase of checking and feeling insecure. I deserve better. I can get better guys with more stability. Why do i need to go through all the unneccessary pain anymore.... Gee is correct in a way... there is only one outcome with him if i intend to be with him. I can see her point now. A leopard will never change its spots.

Sep 21, 2006

After school, went and took a train down to Dhobby Ghaut. Was standing at the last carriage door... look at the reflection.. i saw him holding his newspaper and smiling at me... like hmm.. why am i late.... again... my mind playing tricks on me once again.. the memories... i just smiled to myself.... stupidity. He was the one who asked for time off together till you are settle in your career. He said that nothing will change... at all between us just that we have no status inbetween. Nothing will change.. he still loves me and will be there whenever he can... that was what he said.... How naive can i get...

Memories still run.. look inside my bag.. took out his emails to her.. and i re read it through again. Anger and frustration and hurt all over again.... all the lies... he has actually been writing love letters to her in june... when we were in Shanghai with his parents. And he has actually been with her everyday.. claiming that he was busy in school... lies...lies .. lies...

The worst was his birthday.. he asked me to wait for him at home ... for him.. but in the end... he told me that he had fallen asleep. But i found out that he was actually with the other girl.. while asking me to wait for him at home... what kind of logic?

19-09-06 09:12 - May i ask what prompted the sudden urgency? I asked a question. Why do you need to reply with such hostility? I didn't do anything wrong to you and my conscience is clear

06-09-06 09:56 - Thanks. Sorry for last night. I fell asleep while packing. Was late for my course too.

These are the lies that he told. When i asked him last night, are you seeing someone else? Are you dating another? He said no. Where got time to date when he is so busy.....

Lies lies lies... again and again

I asked him if he still needs to lie to me ... he gave me the blur look. Till i showed him all his emails exchange with the girl. He can still say that he is not in a relationship with her. He is still not sure of his feelings with her.. was it loneliness...or was she just there at the right time? He loves me.. but yet... he don't know. This is what he said.. omg. Then i told him that he need ponder about it already. Me and him are over...so he can go ahead with that girl and tried it out. I am out... enough already. He said he knows the consequences of lying to me... but yet he is willing to take the risk. So he lost it.... that's it. She can have him for all i care... i need no liar in my life.

************************************************************************************
From: "Megan Ie"
Date: Wed 13/09/2006 9:48 AM SGT
To: "Lai "
Subject: Re: Re:

Hey
oh ok, can also, my meeting only starts at 3 and then gotta go meet yangrong at his house at 6 then goin back for dinner. i think ur quite happy being an egg rite? i love u EGGIE :)

On 13/09/06,

Lai wrote:

I'm free up to 10... gotta go soon... can i call u after yr lesson? will u be busy? I'm missing the eggstasy of my life

On 13/09/06,

Lai wrote:

Dear "Useless Me",

I shall not dwell on the past and especially more so since thing have been clarified and done. Moreover, now that new developments have surfaced in the latest twist of events, I do hope you are able to see things in better perspective.

What I would like to help you would be your seemingly confusion in status awareness. I believe that for a person who loves you so much, he had never, am not and will never ever deny nor imply he is single.

What was probably lost in translation was that he was concerned about the implications he may get you into but I am very sure that he made no mention of being "ashamed" or even to admit you two are as one.

Henceforth, my advice for you gal, is to love this man with all your heart, fill him with your passion and indulge him with all the worldly pleasures one can desire for.

With love,EGG

From: "Megan Ie"
Date: Sun 10/09/2006 9:21 PM SGT
To: Him

Hey Dear!

I just needed to talk to u cos ive lots of things on my mind now and i msged u but u didnt reply and i didnt wanna disturb u so i thought i would just email u so i can get these things outta my mind and start doing my journal officially.

I just dont understand why everybody around me is breaking up and its pretty scary i think. And u know i thought about what u said just now regarding if u and i would hesitate and tell others if we were attached respectively.

U know i thought about it rite, if say its really inconvenient for u to tell other people ur going out with me, like your scouts or politics people, then rite i think its better for us to have an open relationship cos i think it'd be better for both of us.

I thought of it and was quite baffled why people seem to think im crazy for going out with u, then i realized probably they might misunderstand cos its like only me who's saying im dating u and i dont think its good if people ask u and u say ur single but yet on another hand u say ur dating me. get what im saying?

so i think rite, u and i are really in a weird situation. i dontknow about u, but i just feel a lil slighted there. im fine with it even tho ive to admit it does get tiring cos its like ive to answer to so many people. i dontknow what im talking about now. prolly i should start doing my work. im feeling empty now. i miss u.

Useless Me

****************************************************

From: Lai
To: "Megan Ie"
Subject: Re: RE: I LOVE YOU
Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 14:49:48 +0800

aw... my work was ok... only thing not going my way is absence of you and adequate time ... haha but i dun mind time passing faster for now... den we can reunited quicker too :)

From: Lai
To: Her
Subject: I LOVE YOU
Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 13:42:59 +0800

Hehe... as above...

*********************************************

I was literally crying in the train when i was re reading the emails again. I called Ros.. cos she told me once that it is only a habit. She talked to me for quite a long while... woke me up. Saying that if i do not heal now... it will be very unfair for my next partner. True.. true... i already did.Met up with WYL, did a bit of retail therapy again. Chatted with her.... and she said time will washed away your pain n slowly put your memories of him away. Just be good to yourself.It was good to meet up with her.

Was suppose to go Double O with Donny but i gave it a missed and came back and blog instead. Knowing jolly well that i will definitely get dead drunk and he has to look after me. I can't heal when most of the time i am drunk when i get home. I have to begin with my healing process.

She asked me something: if you found another guy who is comparable... and he wants to get married. Will you accept?I immediately said No... no .. i don't want to get married.

SO what's the point then? You go and search search search.. you found it.. then you don't want it. Waste time.. waste efforts.

Reached home... damn... memories started flowing back. Talked to Jus. He said that i was mad to let him sleep around with my permission. I told him how i was brainwashed last night. Ha ha. It seems as if i was at fault .. he sure has a way..... to brainwash...

u nuts,....cant work that way
they wont respect youwhen they dont respect you, they wont stay with you
ask him to fuck off...YOU are worth more than that
so you see...is there a point in getting upset over this type of fucker?

give urself 2 weeks....if u need me to brainwash you, just call me...

He is trained in psychology and he told me write down two things on the blog...
1 - Why do i want him back?
2 - Why I should not want him back?

I will do it by tonight so that he can vetted it tomorrow and give me the verdict.I only have a week to heal. So i better chop chop fast fast.... like what Tris said the Joey that she knows heal damn fast ... ha ha.. And Chris said that i heal in a flash..

Sep 20, 2006

Why does the memory still keep on running through my mind?

How we argue in the canteen the first time...
How he offer me the box of health food at the computer table..
How we went to Yoshinoya to eat...
How he came over with 2 beers...
How he tried to get me drunk...
How he tried his luck....

Oh the memories...
Standing from the second floor.. looking down at the parade square....
I can still see him running across the parade square trying to set up the campfire pit...
I remember the time when we were in the PE store....

Back home,I see him on the sofaI see him cooking his big bowl of maggie mee
I see him at the computer table
I see him bathing
I see him on the floor with all his papers
I see him everywhere in my house...
All the places we made passionate love in...
All the times he held me close

Tears running down now.. i am sobbing with memories..
why ... oh why.....
He lied.. he lied so many times.. my heart should be dead.... is this call unconditional love?
I have no idea... all i know that i need his arms to hold me now and tell me that everything is alright. The pain is so bad that i even thought of running to J and borrow his shoulders. Outrageous thought.... sigh..Maybe i just need little R to tell me that everything will be alright.

Why are all the memories running through my mind now...

I can't concentrate on my assignments.
I can't concentrate on my work.
I am hurting badly... feel like stabbing myself instead to numb the pain in my heart
I do not wished to go home anymore... to a place where memories are ....
I wished i could just forget... the memories that he left behind..
I wished... i wished ...

What can i do to heal myself? What can i do?

Thoughts in Nov

I thought about you today, and for the first time it wasn't about the past, or the lies, it wasn't about the hurt, or the tears, it wasn't about my broken heart or what I used to wish the future would be. It was about the end to all that, and the beginning of a friendship. So, I don't know why people say love never ends in friendship because mine for you has.

I have come to realise this:

The worst thing to do in a relationship is confusing lust with love

Which you did....