ONE LAST CRY (Brian Mcknight)

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie

I guess I'm down to my last cry
Cry......
I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Repeat Chorus

I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on..... I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

Repeat Chorus

I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

Last Posting in This Blog

Today... at this point of time.... at this moment

I am Shirley Ong Lay Kuan

I am in her position, two and a half years ago

It's over... just let it go... just let it go...

Today is the Day

Today is the day.. my heart died totally. My heart stopped beating for him anymore. All because of an unneccessary lie that he had told. A lie that makes his 2 years of 'sincerity' gone to waste. A lie that makes me wake up... by his intentions with perfect excuses and lies.... I was blinded for 3 years... lies that were so perfect.... so well thought of... unless i go to the extend of inconveniencing myself to find out....

Went down to surprise him at Mind Stretcher. He was indeed surprised. My intentions was just to take this chance to see him.. to return him his IC. But the doubts in my mind.. in my heart... just can't be settle... i need to know to let my heart die.... to stab myself in my heart.... to feel the pain before i can totally give up.

I told him that his cousin's wife was 3 months pregnant and he asked who did i heard it from. Does it matter that i have aquaintence.. between... i have some of his cousin numbers.... just that he doesn't know. I always keep myself prepared... sigh... didn't know that it is of use now.

Then i casually told him that there isn't any birthday party at all... so to whom did he give that box to... he took quite a long while looking at me.. while i was watching out for his reactions... then he laughed... sniggered... and asked if that is the main reason i came down to ask... ha ha. It was not... but i can just see his mind running to find another reason.... then he told me that it was not for any of the girls that he was chasing... I DON'T CARE.... i reallly don't... care what is the reason is anymore.. the main thing is that he lied... he told me that it is for the foreigner friend who came for scouts had a birthday. And he said that was the truth....

Any reason that he gave after the first lie... is meaningless.. is worthless... cos i can no longer verify the validity of the other reason...My heart shatters in that instant.... my mind... just know that the 'foreigners' who came to singapore could also be a lie.. already... Fed with lies.. perfect lies that i could not check with anybody about it.

I held out my hand.. he got my meaning .. and he asked me how much does it cost.... i told him one hundred since he told a lie... it would not have cost him anything if he had said the truth....or maybe 10, 20, or 30 dollars... Then... i said.. that's it.... ok.. bye bye.. and i walked off....

My tears just fell like rain... when i walked up the stairs.... i was literally running and sobbing out of that place... ran to a corner .. hide behind a pillar... squat down... and sobbed...my heart out.

Called Jed and Rick... both of them listen... and give me that kind of 'i told you so' tone... just move on... and forget about the memories that was holding on to me... just remember the lies... just remember the unfaithfulness.... it will be easier...

Pain... was all i could feel... i didn't know that he is capable of causing me so much pain... i didn't know. To anybody else... this may seems like a small lie... but it is a lie that is so well thought of... that scares me.... the details of it....

Went back to my parents place.... i started crying.... Mother hugged me... daddy consoled me. I told the story... from the start.... mother can filled in the blanks already... she was laughing... cos once i told her about the box of jewellery.. she just said that it was not for the cousin but for somebody else.... and then she said that the doubt of the foreigners coming to sg also may not be true.... ya... she can think like him already.... Parents there supporting me.... makes me feel much better... Good that i can get over him... so that mother can throw away that barang barang papa chair now.... i can throw away everything that reminds me of him... now.. our pictures... erased all from my computer...... will give me more free space... everything... must go.... Let my heart harden ...... towards him.

When i am alone....
Thoughts came to my mind.....
Depressed once again...
Never knew that he can make me depressed....

Would the one hundred dollars for the jewellery patch up my broken heart?
Would the money heal my pain?
Would it make me feel better... that he paid for his lies....
Would it make it seem that he didn't lie....

My heart is numb all over again. And it must be numb towards him forever...
Please remind me everytime my heart melts...
Please don't let me be blinded by memories
Please let me save my loving for someone else more worthy......

Loving Embrace

"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart", e.e. cummings poetically pens. Molded with these lyrical lines in mind, this abstract sculpture delineating a couple's loving embrace expresses your desire to hold your darling always.

Enough is Enough

Rick yelled... WAKE UP! WAKE UP! You are in a lose lose situation....

It is time i wake up... no more hoping.... no more waiting

Cos it is torturous to be hanging there when there may not be even a IF

And the sentence he said was...
i am not his ideal type of wife to be...
I am not his future wife material at all....
so what the heck am I waiting for.... crumbs...???

****************************

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on

weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry

Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

****************************

Everytime I ask you .....

Is it love or lust?
You said both....

What do you want me to do when your words are pushing me away...
and your actions are pulling me close...?
You said sorry... i don't know.....

How long do you want me to wait?
You just smiled and didn't answer

Am i supposed to wait till you found someone new, kill my hope before i can move on?
You ignored my message....

Basically, you ignored everything question that has to do with us......

No more.... i don't want to have you dangling a carrot infont of me.....
I don't need a marriage cert.. i don't want a marriage cert... all i want is an answer to a us.
Or a closure to our 3 years together... make it a memory.... and let me create new ones with another.... do not let me hang on to the memories of our three years..and spend it alone with only my memories with me......


I just need someone to be there for me and love me the way i am.... and be commited in loving me the best way they can... and vice versa... is it so hard to fulfil.... ??

i just want a status and a certain level of commitment.... that's it

Cafeela Jalan Kayu

Same route
Same fun
Same place
Same table
Same food
Same drink

Different person


Lynn came over and she is going to stay for a few days.... family problems
Angela came over and waited for Ash.. but Ash didn't make it. Angela got to go home herself.
Ash knowing that she is waiting and she still dragged... and in the end... cannot make it
What is wrong with ppl? Taking each other for granted....

Don't lose the person before knowing that the person is the one you love.....

Comparison

I cried at night.. in the middle of the night... silent tears....

Little things that he did.. that matters

1) Give me a massage after i played mj.. knowing that my shoulder aches
2) Get ready new shampoo for me when it is used up. He will never ask nor tell me that it is used up and tell me to remember and go and get it.
3) Making sure that there is enough contact lens solution and toothpaste before it runs out.
4) Making the bed immediately after the washing the bedsheets
5) Never letting me sleep on thin mattress... knowing well that i can't take it.He would rather he sleep on it than let me sleep on it
6) Getting me a drink at night when i was coughing badly although i said no need. He will sit me up and feed me with the drink.
7) Turning the fan towards me when he realised that i was perspiring while i was sleeping
8) Pick up all the tissues on the floor in the morning
9) Clear unwanted dishes and cups around before he goes off
10) Empty the dustbins when it got filled up
11) Putting me to sleep and making sure i am comfortable when i have problems with my nose
12) Making sure that he is home before me everyday so that i need not come back to an empty house

I only come to appreciate all these little things ... all these actions of love.... only when he is gone.... now i am missing all his little gestures of love ... now then i know that those are gestures of love

Am i comparing? Or am i not getting used to the fact that he is no longer around? Or that there is no other who does the same things... everybody loves differently... have i gotten too used to his ways of loving that it is getting so difficult to see another love language...

Time will tell.. only time will tell....

Sometimes i wished that he hurt me badly enough for me to hate him.... so that i would not remember all his love languages... but yet i know... his love languages are stronger than any pain that he can inflict on me.... he has set the standards so high.. who can be compared?

8 Sep 2006

He came over to pass me his IC so that we would not waste the Thai Express voucher as he does not have time to have it together. He asked for a set of earrings for his cousins.... and i gave him a set with necklace and earrings in a box. When he was asked... he said it is for his cousin... i ask which cousin.. he said er...er.. er.... i don't know wan lah...... but i shot him back.. you tell me which cousin la.. i have seen most of his cousins already.. in the end he said it was the 5 stalk of flowers ... the youngest one. I mean.. if i was the one.. i would have just said the name instead of just giving the name as in cousin.... i mean... it just put a seed of doubt in me. I was affected... was it really for his cousin's birthday or is it for another one of his girls... like the previous times... he got a set of jewellery from me claiming it is for his NIE friend... but in his ex blog .. i read that it was actually.. meant for another... and said that i did not know about it. Doubts.. distrust... but no prove... terrible feeling. Why do i still feel all these? When there is no longer any status.. and i have also no right to anything at all....

Must learn not to bother.. and move on totally. Waste my time and spoil my mood.

Happy 26th Birthday Darling

I didn't spend today with him as he was a Pulau Ubin on his kayaking course for 2 days... Was depressed the whole day. Mood super bad.... went down to double 0 and got superdrunk. I tried to walk off my depression from chinatown to mohd sultan... but can't. Headed to Club Momo after that.... Esther was there already at double o.... then went with us. She looked after me all the while.... Headed home after that... didn't manage to go MOS. Was ordered to go home... as i was too drunk to know what was going on... She told me that i was crying... tears ran silently down all the way... when i was drunk.. was it a sign... of how sad and depressed i was...

People said that when ppl are drunk... their real feelings came out then....
Guess i was too drunk.. to know.... or maybe i just fake ignorance... to the regrets... to the sad going on in my life... that i was depressed about.....

Happy Birthday.... May you be happy always....

A Birthday Celebration For Him

He came up in the afternoon... but didn't manage to go out. He was too tired.. so he fell asleep. Woke him up.... and ended up at coffeeshop for food and then sent him to Montfort. Then I headed down to City Hall to look for Esther and Ashley.. then went back to Hougang for tuition. Supposedly to meet him again after that.. but he was too busy packing and i stayed at home and waited.... a seed of doubt came in at that time again... Did he really fell asleep? Or did he spend the 1st hour of his birthday with another at the stroke of twelve? Questions, doubt, distrust once again.... i hate this kind of feelings again....